BULIMIA'S HIDDEN POWERS

Now this is going to be a tough one to write about. I can hardly get my head around it. I can hardly even say the word. I want to pretend it doesn't exist. So this might be short..

The reality of bulimia is so physical and traumatic that it makes it particularly challenging to talk about. Whether it is self-induced or due to a virus, one cannot deny that being sick is a terrible experience. For this reason bulimia has acutely grievous connotations and is steeped in stigma, shame and secrecy. Furthermore, it is hard to understand the compulsions that drive this illness as it seems to go against natural human instinct to make oneself sick. Why would anyone assault themselves in such a way? 

However bulimia revolves around the cycle of guilt, shame and self-hatred. For me, bulimia is strongly linked with my own perspective and judgements of myself- which are always that I am inadequate. Purging, then, literally and figuratively gets rid of all that is abject and 'wrong' with me. It is a perverse form of punishment and self-retribution that in fact only reinforces the bad feelings behind the illness, providing further reasons and a catalyst for being sick again. 

So as you can see, as a habit forming illness, bulimia has the potential to hold a tyrannical power over the mind. It can become almost like an addiction that spirals out of control. I hope other sufferers can read and relate to this, and realise that they are not alone. I am on the road to recovery, but there have been slip ups and pitfalls along the way- perhaps with more to come. I try not to believe the diatribe of negative comments belonging to the critic in my head. My aim is always to be well and do the best I can with the awareness I have at the present moment. 

However, if I am honest, there is a part of me that still likes giving in to the temptation to be self-hating rather than act in accordance with my values. It takes an enormous amount of willpower to overcome an opponent as strong and emotionally compelling as bulimia (or any other mental health illness). This is my struggle. 

THE PROBLEM WITH FOOD

It seems to me symptomatic of the current noxious, damaging and unhealthy societal attitude towards food that, for a large proportion of the population- myself included- what we choose to put in our mouths pervades our thoughts endlessly. Over time, growing up and entering the adult world, I have ever increasingly endowed food with emotional rather than functional qualities, to the point where my chaotic diet and food 'rules' carry the symbolic burden of the atrophic relationship I have with my own body image.

This love-hate relationship that I have with food began in my early teenage years. A trigger in the form of a life event was all it took to act as the catalyst that resulted in years of living in a cycle of feast and famine. This also included categorising foods into groups that are virtuous and sinful, reproaching myself for food 'crimes', a lot of emotional (not to mention physical) pain, and lamentation of all the lost time that I could instead have used to make friends and be out laughing and living life.

Food should be about enjoyment, energy and nutrition. Instead it is often about control, shame and self-esteem. I have noticed a general dichotomy of attraction and repulsion towards food within our society- I expect many of you will have experienced this for yourselves. Ultimately this results in a state where we become detached and desensitised from the instinctive and nutritional health needs of our own bodies, replaced by fluctuating and emotionally driven eating habits that only further reinforce the antagonism we feel towards food and our physical appearance.

One of my next blog posts is going to feature the terrifying illness which is bulimia. Although anorexia is also a topic of unease that I will cover, nevertheless it attracts a lot of media coverage- spurred on by the pernicious gossip magazines that seem horribly engrossed and fascinated with the amount of fat on the bodies of female 'celebs'. The effects of anorexia are also quite perceptible, as the body suffers from drastic weight loss and the mind becomes drained of energy for speech.

Bulimia on the other hand has always felt to me more of a taboo topic as it involves repeated and compulsive episodes of traumatic physical sickness, which are in themselves quite upsetting and usually remain hidden and out of sight. I don't think anyone walking down the street would be able to detect that I have had bulimia at any stage in my life. It gains its addictive powers by being an insidious and secretive disease of the mind.

However, there is hope out there for sufferers and I hope by talking about it others will not feel so alone.