MY SUPPORT

This post is dedicated to my gran, Barbara, who is the most amazing woman. She has generously given up her own time to live temporarily in our home so that I am not alone and have support throughout the day. She has helped me in so many ways and constantly encourages me to live life outside the parameters of my own existence. For this I am eternally grateful. And to all my grandparents, who have been there to pick up the phone at times when I am in need, I love you lots. 

At one of our daily M&S tea breaks

The City of Winchester

WORDS OF WISDOM

Only by acceptance of the past will you alter it's meaning. T.S Eliot

Hell is empty, and all the devils are here. William Shakespeare  

In a real dark night of the soul, it is always three o'clock in the morning. F. Scott Fitzgerald

What saves a man is to take a step. Then another step. It is always the same step, but you have to take it. Antoine de Saint-Exupery

One must learn to love oneself with a wholesome and healthy love, so that one can bear to be with oneself and need not roam. Friedrich Nietzsche 

We don't receive wisdom; we must discover it for ourselves after a journey that no one can take for us or spare us. Marcel Proust 

If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life. Albert Camus

BULIMIA'S HIDDEN POWERS

Now this is going to be a tough one to write about. I can hardly get my head around it. I can hardly even say the word. I want to pretend it doesn't exist. So this might be short..

The reality of bulimia is so physical and traumatic that it makes it particularly challenging to talk about. Whether it is self-induced or due to a virus, one cannot deny that being sick is a terrible experience. For this reason bulimia has acutely grievous connotations and is steeped in stigma, shame and secrecy. Furthermore, it is hard to understand the compulsions that drive this illness as it seems to go against natural human instinct to make oneself sick. Why would anyone assault themselves in such a way? 

However bulimia revolves around the cycle of guilt, shame and self-hatred. For me, bulimia is strongly linked with my own perspective and judgements of myself- which are always that I am inadequate. Purging, then, literally and figuratively gets rid of all that is abject and 'wrong' with me. It is a perverse form of punishment and self-retribution that in fact only reinforces the bad feelings behind the illness, providing further reasons and a catalyst for being sick again. 

So as you can see, as a habit forming illness, bulimia has the potential to hold a tyrannical power over the mind. It can become almost like an addiction that spirals out of control. I hope other sufferers can read and relate to this, and realise that they are not alone. I am on the road to recovery, but there have been slip ups and pitfalls along the way- perhaps with more to come. I try not to believe the diatribe of negative comments belonging to the critic in my head. My aim is always to be well and do the best I can with the awareness I have at the present moment. 

However, if I am honest, there is a part of me that still likes giving in to the temptation to be self-hating rather than act in accordance with my values. It takes an enormous amount of willpower to overcome an opponent as strong and emotionally compelling as bulimia (or any other mental health illness). This is my struggle. 

WHAT ARE YOU GRATEFUL FOR?

It appears to be an unfortunate and somewhat ill-fated part of my personality that I have a strong inclination to focus of the negative aspects of life. I say that this facet of my character is inevitable because there is a history of depression in my immediate family which may, by degree, have predisposed me to depression. 

I certainly have to make a concerted effort to realise and appreciate the many things I take for granted. Nothing can ever be perfect-  and the world is inexorably flawed- but there are some things that illuminate some of life's darker shades. 

So, in no particular order, here is my rudimentary list of things I am thankful for (which I shall be adding to over the weeks): 

1. A safe house and living environment. 
2. Exceptionally supportive parents.
3. My two beautiful and adoring sisters.
4. My dog, Polo! 
5. Educational and extra-curricular opportunities at a fantastic university.
6. Two sets of loving grandparents.
7. Friends and acquaintances that offer compassionate support and have shown understanding when I am down.
8. Access to mental health care.
9. Freedom of speech and expression.
10.The positive response I have received from people who have been reading my blog. 

Sisterly Love and laughter

What things in life are you grateful for? 

THANK YOU

Thank you all for your support so far and helping me to reach 2000+ page views!

PSYCHOSIS

Psychosis: noun. a severe mental disorder in which thought and emotions are so impaired that contact is lost with external reality.

I think this is a pertinent and yet somewhat incomplete definition of psychosis- at least in my personal case- which only began this year. 

It has never been something I have understood before or, to be honest, taken much interest in. I previously thought that illnesses such as this only happened to other people. I am sorry to say that in my ignorance I linked psychosis with a diatribe of negative associations, such as madness, delusion and insanity. 

While it is true that during my psychotic episodes these terms appositely describe some of the behaviours that I exhibit, they are conjointly and unjustly laden with prejudicial connotations which leave no space for the compassion and understanding needed to help sufferers with recovery. 

Psychosis does not mean that you are a mad, dangerous or volatile person. As with depression, I cannot adequately put into words the actual perception of this abstract mental state, but I can attempt to illustrate a little of its nature. 

Psychosis hits when one has mentally pierced through the ceiling of reality, only to reach the apex of existential angst which feels like a vast, vacuous and unfathomable blankness. When this happened to me I thought that the world was just a computer game and people were players in it, or that I was possessed and living in my own game. In other words, life was like a waking dream.  

Recently, I have found that walking and nature have had a therapeutic effect on my mind, as well as reminding myself of the things in life I am most grateful for. Unfortunately in my case I also need medication to recover-  in some instances, the power of psychosis and depression is far too overwhelming to face alone. It would be like entering a battle with no weapons or armoury- although finding the correct medication has been a struggle in itself with many unpleasant twists and turns along the way. More on that later..

I am happy to say things seem more settled as of late (which means I have had a couple of stable days). Let's hope that the good feelings continue and that my writing is helping others to understand more about mental illness and how to help others in recovery. 

WALKING IS THERAPY

St. Catherine's Hill, Winchester

Winchester Cathedral

THE PROBLEM WITH FOOD

It seems to me symptomatic of the current noxious, damaging and unhealthy societal attitude towards food that, for a large proportion of the population- myself included- what we choose to put in our mouths pervades our thoughts endlessly. Over time, growing up and entering the adult world, I have ever increasingly endowed food with emotional rather than functional qualities, to the point where my chaotic diet and food 'rules' carry the symbolic burden of the atrophic relationship I have with my own body image.

This love-hate relationship that I have with food began in my early teenage years. A trigger in the form of a life event was all it took to act as the catalyst that resulted in years of living in a cycle of feast and famine. This also included categorising foods into groups that are virtuous and sinful, reproaching myself for food 'crimes', a lot of emotional (not to mention physical) pain, and lamentation of all the lost time that I could instead have used to make friends and be out laughing and living life.

Food should be about enjoyment, energy and nutrition. Instead it is often about control, shame and self-esteem. I have noticed a general dichotomy of attraction and repulsion towards food within our society- I expect many of you will have experienced this for yourselves. Ultimately this results in a state where we become detached and desensitised from the instinctive and nutritional health needs of our own bodies, replaced by fluctuating and emotionally driven eating habits that only further reinforce the antagonism we feel towards food and our physical appearance.

One of my next blog posts is going to feature the terrifying illness which is bulimia. Although anorexia is also a topic of unease that I will cover, nevertheless it attracts a lot of media coverage- spurred on by the pernicious gossip magazines that seem horribly engrossed and fascinated with the amount of fat on the bodies of female 'celebs'. The effects of anorexia are also quite perceptible, as the body suffers from drastic weight loss and the mind becomes drained of energy for speech.

Bulimia on the other hand has always felt to me more of a taboo topic as it involves repeated and compulsive episodes of traumatic physical sickness, which are in themselves quite upsetting and usually remain hidden and out of sight. I don't think anyone walking down the street would be able to detect that I have had bulimia at any stage in my life. It gains its addictive powers by being an insidious and secretive disease of the mind.

However, there is hope out there for sufferers and I hope by talking about it others will not feel so alone. 

NATURE: MY PANACEA

I find that spending time in the physical world around me- creating moments that grant stunning views such as this- anodyne some of life's worries.