CAN ANYONE GET DEPRESSION?

I wish I had a lucid answer to this question. Perhaps it would be more pertinent to look at what exactly do we mean by depression? For although this illness of the mind is both widespread and diagnosable, it also has an ambiguous side to its nature with various symptoms and levels of severity.

Depression to me seems to exist on a sliding scale. Its impact can be mild, moderate or life-changing. I have been up and down on this spectrum, the latter leading to my experience of psychosis, whereby my mind could not cope with the intensity of the depression and consequently lost contact with reality.

I think vast swathes of the population experience something along the gradation of the depressive scale. However I do not believe (fortunately) that everyone has the capacity to develop the kind of severe depression which turns your world upside down. I always found it peculiar how some people, in circumstances so destitute, could also possess such an animate and positive nature, whilst others such as myself, despite my auspicious situation in life, struggle on a day to day basis.

This is where I think genetic variables come into play. As a child I was never as quiet and even-tempered as my sister. I displayed signs of erratic and difficult behaviour. I had many fits and tantrums and a different way of looking at the world, and also, critically, at myself. It feels almost innate- like a seed of depression was planted in me at birth, and over time I have given it the right conditions to grow and strengthen, to sprout its perennially destructive branches into all corners of my mind.

I wish I had a naturally ebullient character and optimistic way of looking at the world, but I 
fear that even with persistent training and much willpower I will forever remain a bit of a cynical and scornful soul. This also means I will always have to watch my steps, as I have this inherent propensity to fall into entropy and depression. In some ways I shall consistently fall under the moniker, 'depressive'. Despite time moving forwards, I live much of my life backwards, haunting myself with my own memories, looking over my shoulder and agonising. 

However, the darker periods have made me more conscious and appreciative of how wonderful life is when the sun is shining and things seem to be going my way. Then, suddenly, life seems to connect, or I connect with life, and I am able to briefly understand and experience for myself the happiness of others. 

What are your thoughts on this topic?

VIDEO BLOG: MENTAL HEALTH AND MEDICATION

MY SUPPORT

This post is dedicated to my gran, Barbara, who is the most amazing woman. She has generously given up her own time to live temporarily in our home so that I am not alone and have support throughout the day. She has helped me in so many ways and constantly encourages me to live life outside the parameters of my own existence. For this I am eternally grateful. And to all my grandparents, who have been there to pick up the phone at times when I am in need, I love you lots. 

At one of our daily M&S tea breaks

The City of Winchester

WORDS OF WISDOM

Only by acceptance of the past will you alter it's meaning. T.S Eliot

Hell is empty, and all the devils are here. William Shakespeare  

In a real dark night of the soul, it is always three o'clock in the morning. F. Scott Fitzgerald

What saves a man is to take a step. Then another step. It is always the same step, but you have to take it. Antoine de Saint-Exupery

One must learn to love oneself with a wholesome and healthy love, so that one can bear to be with oneself and need not roam. Friedrich Nietzsche 

We don't receive wisdom; we must discover it for ourselves after a journey that no one can take for us or spare us. Marcel Proust 

If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life. Albert Camus

BULIMIA'S HIDDEN POWERS

Now this is going to be a tough one to write about. I can hardly get my head around it. I can hardly even say the word. I want to pretend it doesn't exist. So this might be short..

The reality of bulimia is so physical and traumatic that it makes it particularly challenging to talk about. Whether it is self-induced or due to a virus, one cannot deny that being sick is a terrible experience. For this reason bulimia has acutely grievous connotations and is steeped in stigma, shame and secrecy. Furthermore, it is hard to understand the compulsions that drive this illness as it seems to go against natural human instinct to make oneself sick. Why would anyone assault themselves in such a way? 

However bulimia revolves around the cycle of guilt, shame and self-hatred. For me, bulimia is strongly linked with my own perspective and judgements of myself- which are always that I am inadequate. Purging, then, literally and figuratively gets rid of all that is abject and 'wrong' with me. It is a perverse form of punishment and self-retribution that in fact only reinforces the bad feelings behind the illness, providing further reasons and a catalyst for being sick again. 

So as you can see, as a habit forming illness, bulimia has the potential to hold a tyrannical power over the mind. It can become almost like an addiction that spirals out of control. I hope other sufferers can read and relate to this, and realise that they are not alone. I am on the road to recovery, but there have been slip ups and pitfalls along the way- perhaps with more to come. I try not to believe the diatribe of negative comments belonging to the critic in my head. My aim is always to be well and do the best I can with the awareness I have at the present moment. 

However, if I am honest, there is a part of me that still likes giving in to the temptation to be self-hating rather than act in accordance with my values. It takes an enormous amount of willpower to overcome an opponent as strong and emotionally compelling as bulimia (or any other mental health illness). This is my struggle. 

WHAT ARE YOU GRATEFUL FOR?

It appears to be an unfortunate and somewhat ill-fated part of my personality that I have a strong inclination to focus of the negative aspects of life. I say that this facet of my character is inevitable because there is a history of depression in my immediate family which may, by degree, have predisposed me to depression. 

I certainly have to make a concerted effort to realise and appreciate the many things I take for granted. Nothing can ever be perfect-  and the world is inexorably flawed- but there are some things that illuminate some of life's darker shades. 

So, in no particular order, here is my rudimentary list of things I am thankful for (which I shall be adding to over the weeks): 

1. A safe house and living environment. 
2. Exceptionally supportive parents.
3. My two beautiful and adoring sisters.
4. My dog, Polo! 
5. Educational and extra-curricular opportunities at a fantastic university.
6. Two sets of loving grandparents.
7. Friends and acquaintances that offer compassionate support and have shown understanding when I am down.
8. Access to mental health care.
9. Freedom of speech and expression.
10.The positive response I have received from people who have been reading my blog. 

Sisterly Love and laughter

What things in life are you grateful for? 

THANK YOU

Thank you all for your support so far and helping me to reach 2000+ page views!