PSYCHOSIS

Psychosis: noun. a severe mental disorder in which thought and emotions are so impaired that contact is lost with external reality.

I think this is a pertinent and yet somewhat incomplete definition of psychosis- at least in my personal case- which only began this year. 

It has never been something I have understood before or, to be honest, taken much interest in. I previously thought that illnesses such as this only happened to other people. I am sorry to say that in my ignorance I linked psychosis with a diatribe of negative associations, such as madness, delusion and insanity. 

While it is true that during my psychotic episodes these terms appositely describe some of the behaviours that I exhibit, they are conjointly and unjustly laden with prejudicial connotations which leave no space for the compassion and understanding needed to help sufferers with recovery. 

Psychosis does not mean that you are a mad, dangerous or volatile person. As with depression, I cannot adequately put into words the actual perception of this abstract mental state, but I can attempt to illustrate a little of its nature. 

Psychosis hits when one has mentally pierced through the ceiling of reality, only to reach the apex of existential angst which feels like a vast, vacuous and unfathomable blankness. When this happened to me I thought that the world was just a computer game and people were players in it, or that I was possessed and living in my own game. In other words, life was like a waking dream.  

Recently, I have found that walking and nature have had a therapeutic effect on my mind, as well as reminding myself of the things in life I am most grateful for. Unfortunately in my case I also need medication to recover-  in some instances, the power of psychosis and depression is far too overwhelming to face alone. It would be like entering a battle with no weapons or armoury- although finding the correct medication has been a struggle in itself with many unpleasant twists and turns along the way. More on that later..

I am happy to say things seem more settled as of late (which means I have had a couple of stable days). Let's hope that the good feelings continue and that my writing is helping others to understand more about mental illness and how to help others in recovery.