THE BEGINNING: WHERE I'M AT

I thought I would start by stating the truth, which is that I really resent the state that I'm in. I am all too aware of all the labels, the associations and history of mental illness and the pain and shame of it all. I am not crazy, but I think and act in strange, often extreme and aberrant ways that don't always even make sense to myself. This is not a sudden onset of mental disorderliness that has emerged unprecedented. My mind has been rewired over the years so that old treacherous pathways have become worn and wider- deceptively enticing to walk down- whilst the other side of my brain that enables me to get on with life and function socially has grown into a dense, unexplored and seemingly impenetrable wilderness. 

All this means is that I don't think in quite the same way as other people. Although there are many others like me out there, sometimes it feels like I am the only person in the whole world going through this. And by 'this' I am talking about the complete spectrum of mental health and well-being, beginning with my diagnosis of clinical depression during my formative teenage years, since which my life has consisted of all possible modes of persistent and belligerent self-destruction.

 It is much too cumbersome a task for me to describe to you everything that has happened in all its gloriously drab and dingy details. So, firstly, to simplify, shall we begin with a list?

These diagnostic names all have associated labels and stigmatised ideas attached to them but I must stress that writing or hearing about them is one thing and experiencing them is quite another entirely. My personal experience has included anorexia, bulimia, self-harm, depression, compulsive overeating, body dysmorphia, OCD and psychosis. And wow, what an irksome and rotten old list that is. I wish I could make it all dissipate or archive it inside my brain with a warning notice saying 'DO NOT OPEN UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.'

Now, I also want to make sure that by writing this blog I don't come across as a victim or self-pitying. I don't displace blame on to others for the way I am. It's really just one sour cocktail of genetics mixed with environmental and social factors. I try to be self-accepting in spite of myself, as, for some reason, although I find having compassion for others quite easy, being nice to myself seems to go against all my natural instincts and inclinations. 

Since December 2013 my mental health has experienced a new and most unwelcome drenching in some horrible issues. It feels as though I am walking around some sort of atramental abyss looking for a sign of light or a tunnel to give me some direction or sense of hope.  This descent all began with a trigger whereby my own heightened self-consciousness and critical voice started to obsess about a particular aspect about my appearance, which soon enlarged to gargantuan proportions to the point where I did not want to be alive if this 'defect' in my appearance could not change. My mind went into a broken shut-down mode- a state that words alone cannot  express or give justice to. I do not intend this to sound supercilious or condescending but there really is no way of transposing mental illness into a form of logical understanding. 

Perhaps it is like trying to explain the immense pain of a broken arm or leg to someone who has only ever been bruised and never broken a bone in their body. And, to continue with this little analogy, like broken bones where there is a near infinite spectrum of minor and perilous injuries one can experience (from a broken finger to a broken back), mental health similarly exists on a panoramic and sepulchral spectrum of ailments. Each person will have their own subjective and unique experience of mental well-being, and in my personal case I feel as though I am on a constantly swinging pendulum of extreme highs and lows, always searching for some middle ground to grasp hold of and land on.

Anyway, that is enough for today. I hope that this first post has given you a little understanding of the complications and complexities of mental health and I have not yet lulled you into a state of depression yourself by reading what I have to say..!