BULIMIA'S HIDDEN POWERS

Now this is going to be a tough one to write about. I can hardly get my head around it. I can hardly even say the word. I want to pretend it doesn't exist. So this might be short..

The reality of bulimia is so physical and traumatic that it makes it particularly challenging to talk about. Whether it is self-induced or due to a virus, one cannot deny that being sick is a terrible experience. For this reason bulimia has acutely grievous connotations and is steeped in stigma, shame and secrecy. Furthermore, it is hard to understand the compulsions that drive this illness as it seems to go against natural human instinct to make oneself sick. Why would anyone assault themselves in such a way? 

However bulimia revolves around the cycle of guilt, shame and self-hatred. For me, bulimia is strongly linked with my own perspective and judgements of myself- which are always that I am inadequate. Purging, then, literally and figuratively gets rid of all that is abject and 'wrong' with me. It is a perverse form of punishment and self-retribution that in fact only reinforces the bad feelings behind the illness, providing further reasons and a catalyst for being sick again. 

So as you can see, as a habit forming illness, bulimia has the potential to hold a tyrannical power over the mind. It can become almost like an addiction that spirals out of control. I hope other sufferers can read and relate to this, and realise that they are not alone. I am on the road to recovery, but there have been slip ups and pitfalls along the way- perhaps with more to come. I try not to believe the diatribe of negative comments belonging to the critic in my head. My aim is always to be well and do the best I can with the awareness I have at the present moment. 

However, if I am honest, there is a part of me that still likes giving in to the temptation to be self-hating rather than act in accordance with my values. It takes an enormous amount of willpower to overcome an opponent as strong and emotionally compelling as bulimia (or any other mental health illness). This is my struggle.