It is the hardest thing, for me, to realise that I have grown out of my childhood- or that childhood has left me- and irrevocably entered the dominion of the adult world. It occurred to me today, although not for the first time, that my problems with mental health such as depression and anorexia are quite regressive in their own ways. They both express a dissatisfaction and denial of the 'self' and put one in a state of acute, child-like vulnerability (anorexia physically embodies this). They are backwards-looking, forestalling adulthood and acceptance of the present or future- pulling you in one direction while life goes in another.
This struggle can threaten to tear you apart, lest you begin to accept the direction of life, which inevitably leads to responsibility, maturity, and sometimes pain and anguish. I feel caught in a binary position, as I find self-acceptance a very unpalatable choice and constantly battle against it, simultaneously being aware that this is also a first and essential step to recovery.
Georgia, on the one hand I can only agree with your thinking: childhood has left you as your 'now' moves on. On the other hand, speaking as someone older I can say that there are many phases of life as one ages and in another sense they are always there within one, just as future phases and ultimately the end are also there within one. In that way, it's possible to think of it in terms of adding layers, not losing identity, as we grow older. Like a tree??! Dad xx
ReplyDeleteYou may have left your childhood but your 'child-self' will always remain. Its like the tree metaphor your Dad used; your core identity is never lost and you may find, as you get older, that you gain strength and insight from staying in touch with your inner child.
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