I wish I had a lucid answer to this question. Perhaps it would be more pertinent to look at what exactly do we mean by depression? For although this illness of the mind is both widespread and diagnosable, it also has an ambiguous side to its nature with various symptoms and levels of severity.
Depression to me seems to exist on a sliding scale. Its impact can be mild, moderate or life-changing. I have been up and down on this spectrum, the latter leading to my experience of psychosis, whereby my mind could not cope with the intensity of the depression and consequently lost contact with reality.
I think vast swathes of the population experience something along the gradation of the depressive scale. However I do not believe (fortunately) that everyone has the capacity to develop the kind of severe depression which turns your world upside down. I always found it peculiar how some people, in circumstances so destitute, could also possess such an animate and positive nature, whilst others such as myself, despite my auspicious situation in life, struggle on a day to day basis.
This is where I think genetic variables come into play. As a child I was never as quiet and even-tempered as my sister. I displayed signs of erratic and difficult behaviour. I had many fits and tantrums and a different way of looking at the world, and also, critically, at myself. It feels almost innate- like a seed of depression was planted in me at birth, and over time I have given it the right conditions to grow and strengthen, to sprout its perennially destructive branches into all corners of my mind.
I wish I had a naturally ebullient character and optimistic way of looking at the world, but I
fear that even with persistent training and much willpower I will forever remain a bit of a cynical and scornful soul. This also means I will always have to watch my steps, as I have this inherent propensity to fall into entropy and depression. In some ways I shall consistently fall under the moniker, 'depressive'. Despite time moving forwards, I live much of my life backwards, haunting myself with my own memories, looking over my shoulder and agonising.
However, the darker periods have made me more conscious and appreciative of how wonderful life is when the sun is shining and things seem to be going my way. Then, suddenly, life seems to connect, or I connect with life, and I am able to briefly understand and experience for myself the happiness of others.
What are your thoughts on this topic?
Georgia, one bonus of a depressed state is that one can REALLY connect with certain kinds of writing. My favourite as you know is Murakami, and when I'm in a down phase and reading him, I understand way more than when I'm on a high. One has to be careful not to get addicted to that.. Dad xx
ReplyDeleteDear Georgia, I so hope that over time you will find that not only are you able to experience for youself the happiness of others but find pure joy within your own soul. Its a tough road to walk: pills can't fix it; therapy can't fix it; I wish I knew the answer but somewhere on your journey is a place where joy lives.
ReplyDeleteDear Georgia, I am amazed at your courage in writing this blog. I think many of us wonder about our propensity for depression and other mental illnesses. But if one of us breaks a bone, we don't feel the need to start judging ourselves 'Am I the kind of person who breaks bones? Does that make me less strong, less good, less valuable than someone else who could have fallen harder, and still not broken that bone?'. We do what we can with our circumstances, and cross our fingers that we'll get better.
ReplyDeleteYou deserve joy. Personally I found that therapy was the first step and joy came much later. But it came, and it stayed. You are surviving; that means you're succeeding. Best of luck.
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ReplyDeleteThere must be some underlying reason for your depression.
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