COLOURS

In previous posts I neglected to mention the important fact that a little over a week ago I made the decision to come off all medication (Sertraline 100mg and Olanzapine 15mg). The effects of this are starting to become evident, as I feel the world starting to shift back into place. 

I no longer feel drained as though I am living in a zombie-like state. I am starting to feel a greater spectrum of emotions, and the impact of every one, whether high or low, is joyous to me. It is like having my full field of colour restored after living in a monochromatic state for weeks on end. I spoke to my mum on the phone yesterday and she noted that my voice is starting to sound more tonal and expressive. 

It is hard for me to describe the sensations occurring, as they have crept up so gradually it is difficult to detect shift or change unless I step back and analyse my thoughts and moods over a more significant period of time. 

I will use this colour analogy to try and illustrate it. 

At times, when the chemicals or signals in my brain are not functioning properly, the world becomes a nightmarish cacophony of colours, all clashing discordantly with one another. They are bright and overwhelming, skewing my vision. At other times, the world is leeched of all its brightness and vividness and cast into sombre hues, all the life seeping out of it- and me.

Now, it is like the grass is becoming green again, the sky blue. Everything is starting to look more.. normal. I can attribute this partly to the absence of synthetic chemicals in my body, as their effects were powerful and emotionally numbing. Time, also, is a key factor in this. I could not have made this transition off my medication a month ago. 

Each tentative step or lurch forward I take, however painful, brings me to where I am now, and, crucially, I am starting to accept my present self. As I have found, there is no passion to be found in living in the past- it is the surest way to negatively alter present meaning and lose sight of yourself. So I am trying to discover the hope and enjoyment in life, while accepting that there is also a lot of frustration and disappointment. My attitude is starting to shift, and hopefully in time my life will become a reflection of that. 

'Action may not always bring happiness; but there is no happiness without action'. Benjamin Disraeli