SUICIDAL IDEATION

I have a very difficult relationship with this term, which is also a classic symptom of depression.

Suicidal ideation is the epitomisation of utter hopelessness. It is when you find that you have developed an intransigent preoccupation with death. Your own death in particular. Thoughts or fantasies about suicide rule your conscious mind, perhaps most of your waking moments. Death seems like the ultimate and only form of relief to your suffering. Your brain is a destitute, baron wasteland and death is a beautiful red rose.

You may find yourself making a detailed plan, which becomes a perverse source of comfort. 'Just think of the ways how and when. It would solve everything.' insists a voice in your head. Because when all else is gone, when no one else is left, no matter what happens, you will always have your plan. Over time it has become less of a symptom and more of a control mechanism.

Suicidal ideation is my default mode of thought, seemingly hard-wired into me. It is something I find hard to 'turn off', as it is a simple, last-call answer to all of life's painfulness and perplexity. Thoughts of death can be consoling at difficult times despite their isolating and desolate nature. However, as my mum rightly reminds me, they are not natural. 

Life is natural, essential, instinctive. 

Death is the foreign, pernicious and unwelcome stranger in my mind. It is intrusive and destructive, but also very compelling. Instead of indulging these thoughts and letting them grow, I think of three good things that have happened in my day. I'm trying to start replacing them. Develop a new habit. It's important to remind myself that good things do happen to me but that chronic, mechanical part of my head has been over-ruling them. Recovery begins with many little first steps such as this.