VLOG: RECOVERY

HOSPITAL

I am sorry to say that I took an overdose last night. It was unintentional and I did not realise the extent of my pill consumption until it was too late and I had to be admitted to hospital. It was a harrowing experience and I am lucky I did not do any permanent damage to myself. Recovery oscillates between the ups and downs and I want to be honest and open about some of the unpleasant consequences a mental health condition can have. Thank you for all the messages of support- they have been an inestimable help.   

COLOURS

In previous posts I neglected to mention the important fact that a little over a week ago I made the decision to come off all medication (Sertraline 100mg and Olanzapine 15mg). The effects of this are starting to become evident, as I feel the world starting to shift back into place. 

I no longer feel drained as though I am living in a zombie-like state. I am starting to feel a greater spectrum of emotions, and the impact of every one, whether high or low, is joyous to me. It is like having my full field of colour restored after living in a monochromatic state for weeks on end. I spoke to my mum on the phone yesterday and she noted that my voice is starting to sound more tonal and expressive. 

It is hard for me to describe the sensations occurring, as they have crept up so gradually it is difficult to detect shift or change unless I step back and analyse my thoughts and moods over a more significant period of time. 

I will use this colour analogy to try and illustrate it. 

At times, when the chemicals or signals in my brain are not functioning properly, the world becomes a nightmarish cacophony of colours, all clashing discordantly with one another. They are bright and overwhelming, skewing my vision. At other times, the world is leeched of all its brightness and vividness and cast into sombre hues, all the life seeping out of it- and me.

Now, it is like the grass is becoming green again, the sky blue. Everything is starting to look more.. normal. I can attribute this partly to the absence of synthetic chemicals in my body, as their effects were powerful and emotionally numbing. Time, also, is a key factor in this. I could not have made this transition off my medication a month ago. 

Each tentative step or lurch forward I take, however painful, brings me to where I am now, and, crucially, I am starting to accept my present self. As I have found, there is no passion to be found in living in the past- it is the surest way to negatively alter present meaning and lose sight of yourself. So I am trying to discover the hope and enjoyment in life, while accepting that there is also a lot of frustration and disappointment. My attitude is starting to shift, and hopefully in time my life will become a reflection of that. 

'Action may not always bring happiness; but there is no happiness without action'. Benjamin Disraeli

HOW LONELY ARE YOU?

'It is not the strongest of the species that survives, or the most intelligent, but rather the one most adaptable to change.' Charles Darwin

I have left the confines of Winchester to come and pay a visit to my grandparents in Baldock, to 'rehabulate' (rehabilitate) me, as my grandad put it. We detoured via the scenic roads, which in retrospect was not a good idea, as the bucolic views were not worth the 4 hour car journey! 

Leaving Winchester was difficult, especially since I have not done so for several months. Even my walks around the city rarely deviate from my well-established routes. This inevitably means that I am quite alone a lot of the time. I was reading an article the other day on loneliness and its effects on mental health and it got me thinking..

Although my solitude is self-imposed and punishing, I find social interaction very difficult. I am not sure how much this time spent in my own company I really truly enjoy, and how much can be attributed to the convenience of retreating into old routines and the sense of comfort this brings. In my mind this keeps me safe. I often find that I am ready, but not willing, to step out of my comfort zone and try something new.

So why not simply take the plunge and go out more? After all, if you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always got. In other words, change is essential. I believe human interaction must contribute to our mental wellbeing, as too much time spent on one's own can easily lead to over-thinking and analysing past events- a clear recipe for anguish and self-reprobation! That doesn't mean we need hoards of friends. There is no such thing as objective isolation. It is quite possible to have just a few close friends and to not feel isolated or lonely. 

I think the problem lies somewhere within the labyrinthine entanglement of my innate introversion and mental health difficulties. I will never be the gregarious type or the life of a party, but once you cut yourself off from people it is astonishing how quickly you can adapt in order to cope and loose touch with 'regular' social states and perceptions. Making conversation becomes arduous, and even messaging friends can feel challenging. This is a self-enforcing negative cycle, which played its part in the depression that drew my university life to a halt.

I consider this trip to my grandparents as a first step. Hopefully I can reconnect with some of that sociability I have lost over the months and years. I apologise to those I have let down due to my propensity to disengage with the world. I can only hope to make amends and aim to re-establish some of the social ties I have let slip. 

Take the UCLA loneliness test: http://psychcentral.com/quizzes/loneliness.htm
I scored 37. 

SUICIDAL IDEATION

I have a very difficult relationship with this term, which is also a classic symptom of depression.

Suicidal ideation is the epitomisation of utter hopelessness. It is when you find that you have developed an intransigent preoccupation with death. Your own death in particular. Thoughts or fantasies about suicide rule your conscious mind, perhaps most of your waking moments. Death seems like the ultimate and only form of relief to your suffering. Your brain is a destitute, baron wasteland and death is a beautiful red rose.

You may find yourself making a detailed plan, which becomes a perverse source of comfort. 'Just think of the ways how and when. It would solve everything.' insists a voice in your head. Because when all else is gone, when no one else is left, no matter what happens, you will always have your plan. Over time it has become less of a symptom and more of a control mechanism.

Suicidal ideation is my default mode of thought, seemingly hard-wired into me. It is something I find hard to 'turn off', as it is a simple, last-call answer to all of life's painfulness and perplexity. Thoughts of death can be consoling at difficult times despite their isolating and desolate nature. However, as my mum rightly reminds me, they are not natural. 

Life is natural, essential, instinctive. 

Death is the foreign, pernicious and unwelcome stranger in my mind. It is intrusive and destructive, but also very compelling. Instead of indulging these thoughts and letting them grow, I think of three good things that have happened in my day. I'm trying to start replacing them. Develop a new habit. It's important to remind myself that good things do happen to me but that chronic, mechanical part of my head has been over-ruling them. Recovery begins with many little first steps such as this.

VLOG: FEELING DOWN

LOOKS CAN BE DECEIVING

Mental illness can be covert and concealed. You may not be able to know that 

                             someone has depression when you meet them.